She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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