Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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