I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
