yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
