nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
