if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
