while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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