Got a toothbrush?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
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