We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
