I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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