you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
