dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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