New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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