If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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