i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
