I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
