he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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