Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
