Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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