You're my little dorito
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
