Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
