I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
