I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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