So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
