He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
