The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
