She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
