I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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