She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Your cock deserves a montage
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
