I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she peed on how many people?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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