When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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