Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize