Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
