My liver just broke up with me...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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