I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just pee around me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize