Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
