I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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