So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
