Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize