He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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