Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
