i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
