Your face is a jimmy john
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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