I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
