I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he fucked my hip out of place.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
