Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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