Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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