i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
