I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
