is your mom at the bar?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize