when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize