Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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