U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize