I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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