i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
