my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There are leaves in my underwear?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
