After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
