I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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