I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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