Don't make out with my wife yet
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
